Shame....and Critical Voices

11 July 2024:

"How are you?"

Were the words of one of my therapist's at today's appointment. This was the first time I saw him in months, since I returned back to my duty station following my inpatient treatment.

"I'm tired," I told him. "I've been having alot of challenging emotions since I returned to work and was managing ok with putting into practice the coping skills I learned at the recovery center but this week has been really hard. I've been feeling alot of anxiety and I'm having a difficult time sleeping."

"What's been bothering you?" he asked.

"Last weekend my husband and I went to Portugal and about halfway there I realized that I was not ready for a trip like that so soon. I had one incident where I felt shame and it went downhill from there. My schemas* have been active and brought on heavy negative emotions about myself. While I've been trying to give myself compassion and reframe my thinking as directed by my cognitive behavior and schema therapists, it's been really hard to eliminate the bad feelings and the anxiety...."

*Note: Schemas are a core belief developed about oneself typically formed in early childhood or adolescence. It is believed that they become maladaptive when trauma is experienced and/or when core human needs are unmet. They operate in the background of our awareness but have great influence over our sense of self, our expectations about life, and the quality of our relationships -- Dr. Jeffrey Young

"What were some of the experiences?" He asked me. I brought out my notebook with a list of experiences I noted from the last three weeks.

"It all started about 3 weeks ago when I sat as a non-voting member on a hiring board. Even though I didn't vote or provide any input to discussion or decisions as I have been gone throughout the majority of the hiring process, I kept feeling like I didn't belong in the room."

I then attempted to explain my point of view.

"I've been so open about my mental health journey. I've spoken publicly about it, I've even blogged about it. I talked about my experiences with racism, sexism, and now I'm working through the trauma of being sexually harassed by a senior employee at work. I like the feeling of not having to hide or wear a mask but I'm starting to feel like my exposure of these experiences and how its made me feel, even though it's my truth, makes me vulnerable for the perception of bias when it comes to my decisions."

"I'm not seeing the connection between sitting on this board and the feeling of not belonging."

"I feel like because I've had these experiences and I've been transparent about how it makes me feel and my journey in getting help to process them, I fear that others will see me as unfit. A liability. Biased. I don't see others in the environment I'm in, sharing these things. Especially those in leadership."

"Everyone has biases." My therapist said so matter of factly. As if just because they are not expressed doesn't make them not present or active. I then remembered the words of one of my therapist in the inpatient treatment facility when it came to recognizing harmful thoughts. "Eliminate the critical and negotiate with the demanding." I then realized that the thought, "I dont belong here," is a critical voice. The truth is, I AM here. Eliminate the critical voice.

I then went on to explain to him the other causes of my emotional pain.

"Yesterday I led a meeting and even though I prepared my notes to speak, I had so much anxiety that I stumbled in my words in front of everyone. It was so embarrassing. After it happened I experienced repeated thoughts of 'incompetence. Your incompetent Kristin.' I tried to reframe my thinking acknowledging that it was a mistake and as a whole, the goals of the meeting were achieved. That everyone makes mistakes and it's ok for me to make them too. That I was just recently discharged from a recovery center after being treated for experiencing something traumatic. But comforting myself in an attempt to recover has been hard. I've been having trouble sleeping."

The Psychiatrist and I talked for awhile about mistakes. He kept trying to understand my reasoning and I shared with him the pressure I feel in my careerfield to speak well and perform. And when I've made mistakes in this area, I have on two seperate occassions been told by senior officers that I am incompetent. I've even been called toxic by a peer.

"It sounds like you are experiencing alot of shame," he said to me. "Do you know the difference between guilt and shame?"

"No." I told him. He then proceeded to bring out a white board to talk through scenarios and explain his points.

The gist of his message was that guilt is the emotion that comes with an action that is not aligned to the morals we have. The acknowledgement that, "I have failed," would be a demonstration of guilt. While shame is when we internalize the action into a belief that, that is who we are. "I am a failure," is a statement rooted in shame.

Ultimately I will have to continue to work to recognize when my schemas are active, which one or ones it is (I have several; we can save that for another post) and challenge my belief systems about my self that are generating the strong, dysfunctional emotions of shame.

I don't know any senior leaders, at least not those who are serving actively in the military who are transparent about experiences they have that bring out deep emotional pain similar to my own and have coped through leveraging multiple mental health resources. I don't know any leaders who have had or currently are working to rewire what feels like their entire brain. Who are transparent about coping with PTSD, anxiety, confronting maladaptive schemas, depression experiences and emotions in a way that is not solely limited to a physical release or maintaining a positive attitude. Not that those arent effective but for me they morphed into an escape from confronting my own truth and resolving a deeper issue within myself. For so long I've had the "mule" mentality where I'm overworking myself to keep from feeling anything or to be able to experience the feeling of safety, stability, nurturing, worthiness, and acceptance. I pushed through so many painful and stressful experiences without creating space for healthy processing or recovery without asking myself how that particular situation made me feel and giving myself permission to have compassion for me, without shame. I stood up and faught against the things my morals commanded, even when my cup was empty. And I turned my cheek against betrayals in order to not take up space or create discomfort in others. I used to believe this type of fighting kept doors open for me. That my endurance kept doors open for others coming up behind me. And maybe that was true at one time, but in this season of my life, it's not true for me anymore.

I continue to make radical shifts in my life in order to allign with the most true, authentic and healthy version of me. This process is not always pretty. I don't always feel proud or hopeful. I have turbulent low moments. Sometimes like this past week I feel ALOT of crippling emotions like shame, embarrassment, or fear.

But each day I grow a little more. I become a little more aware and so in turn I continue to evolve.

5 September 2024:

Over the past three weeks I have traveled to three different countries for professional business. Whenever the critical voice, "you dont belong here," entered my thoughts, I immediately recognized it, and eliminated it with truth. I felt the shame quickly disolve when I challenged it rather than take hold of me and cripple me; this helped me remain in the present moment leading to both incredible and productive experiences.

As I continue to seek out and find reasons for why I can't do something, each day I'm discovering that this effort is becoming more and more difficult to do. This is simply due to the confronting truth, that more often than not, and despite my self-doubt, I CAN.