Dance With My Father Again

8 November 2022

Over the past year, my Dad and I have had an estranged relationship. So much so that I uninvited him to my wedding (he actually came as my mom's guest), and I spent the majority of the year not talking to him. For those who know me know that this was not an easy decision for me and that the events leading up to our estrangement truly broke my heart in ways I never conceived possible. While that part of the story is not mine to share, I will share the parts that are mine.

My mom and dad were and are my first loves. As I was their "rainbow" baby, they prayed for me to enter this world. They cared for me and gave me everything they had to give. Taught me what they believed was best for me to learn, kept me safe as best as they knew how, gave me space to grow, instilled values in me they wanted me and my siblings to possess, and loved me in the best ways they knew how. Their parenting methods were not always enjoyable or fun, nor did I always understand them or agree with them. But one thing that never wavered for me with my parents was their love for me and my trust of them. One time in college while I was going through a really hard time my parents asked me, "Do you remember who your best friend is?" "I answered, "Jesus?" And they said, "well yes Jesus. But US. WE are your best friends." I didn't realize that I could go to them for anything, but at that moment they made it clear that I could always go to them no matter what.

In August of 2021, this foundation all fell apart. What I knew to be true for so long was no longer real and may not have ever been and instead I was left with confusion, betrayal, loss of identity, grief, shock, despair, and most of all a severe amount of distrust. I lost trust in everything, everyone, everything I thought I was, what I believed as my faith, values, and most importantly I lost trust in myself.

In order to cope I immediately sought mental health care and clung to what I once saw as my identity and tried to hold on to the parts of my old life that still made sense to me while erasing the things that did not. I clung to work because it made sense to me. I erased my faith, my father, and was less open to working to connect with other people because that did not make sense to me, not at that time. While I was able to function and get through my day job wise, relationship and personal life wise, I mentally, emotionally, and physically was dying a slow and very painful death each day. Turns out, it’s not so easy to erase the things that have made you who you are.

"You need to work towards forgiveness" the Chaplain and my Pastor said. I was insulted. "At the end of the day, he's still your dad" others said. I was offended. What about me? What about my family members who are hurting? What about our pain? Is our pain just supposed to be discarded because forgiveness is the "right" or "best" outcome for healing and moving forward? I'm tired of consistently being the one to "do the right thing". I'm tired of always having to be "the strong one". Some things just shouldn't happen and I'm TIRED of having to be the one to "rise above". I'm not pushing through this pain. I'm not just "letting it go".

When I made the decision to not include my dad in my wedding ceremony that was one of the hardest decisions of my life. I was scared that one day I would regret it, but my pain was all consuming that I couldn't see past it. My therapist at the time recommended that my dad fly out to my location (San Antonio) before the wedding to talk to me so that I could decide if I should allow him to attend or not. My dad flew out for a day the week before the wedding, and we chatted. The therapist was right. It would help. Seeing my dad and talking to him showed me that I do want my dad there. I do want him included in the family portraits. But I am not ready for anything else. I elected to walk myself down the aisle. I elected to not do the father daughter dance. I didn't want to fake anything. And while the decision was one of the hardest in my life and I know it was controversial, it was what was true and authentic for me at that time.

The thing about harboring anger, distrust, and pain is that it ultimately starts to destroy you. While I was able to mostly mask my grief at work through my high performance, but I was not able to mask it at home and within myself. I had nightmares regularly but staying in bed was my comfort. I withdrew from other people because of my anxiety and how much it drained me. I was disconnected from Michael and myself. Prayer was something that had always been such a comfort to me but when I went to pray, the words "our father" or viewing God as any type of man, shut me down and disgusted me. "My dad taught me how to pray" I thought. "...and I don't know him." I didn't trust anyone. I needed someone in my own image in order to trust to start a dialogue so that I could even begin to think of healing. I couldn't find this anywhere and I felt trapped and misunderstood.

The experiences I had in quality therapy saved my life. While it took me over a year to get it, I was VERY lucky to have a husband that helped me recognize that my trauma and methods for coping were not healthy and that I need to FIGHT for quality care. And yes it was a FIGHT. Mental health care unfortunately is not something that is easily available here at Osan AB due to the nature of this being a "hardship" tour and the stigma of seeking mental health in my profession of arms world is even MORE of a threat. I had to basically be at a point where I was no longer fearful of losing my career for me to be fully transparent about what I was experiencing in my mind and to seek elevated help; and after going through this process, I now know that I had nothing to be afraid of. Telling the explicit truth has only helped me get better. Having supportive leadership that gave me permission and the space to get medical care without the guilt or criticism of missing work only helped me get better. Sharing with others what I was going through and finding community in my pain, has helped me get better. While I'm in no way fixed or fully recovered, I can FEEL myself healing.

While I am currently on leave in the states, some of my family flew in to visit me. I forgave my dad about a month ago (through therapy) and asked him that while he was in town, could we do the father daughter dance. He said yes. I don't regret the decision I made at the wedding because it was true for me at that time. However, I am extremely thankful that my dad and I got a second chance to do this dance because I know that every daughter doesn’t get this chance. Every father doesn't get this chance. This wasn’t a dance about whether any one of us deserved or didn’t deserve this; the truth is, life just ISN'T FAIR. For me, this was a dance about my OWN healing. I did this for me and no one else. Because despite the drama that unfolded last year, and all of the hurt and the boundaries that I now have because of it, the truth is that I am daughter who had a very loving father my entire life me. And despite his imperfections, I always have and still love my Dad. This doesn’t mean that I am ok with what happened or that our relationship will be like what it once was. Maybe it will be better, TRUER; only time will tell. But I am devoted to healing and I am thankful to be at a place where I can move forward in my life in TRUTH.

I asked my parents if it was ok for me to share this story and they said yes. They told me to be careful as employers could see it and perceive it differently than I intend, but that they are supportive of my writing if it helps me heal.

Photos Shared on Social Media of my Dad, Myself and other Family Members